Noli Me Tangere

why dating sucks, vol 1

The question at hand is, "what do I owe her"?

I've been set up with a few girls lately. My friends, most of them married, have taken pity upon my bachelor soul and attempted to mate me with women they know that they deem "a good match" for me. Nevermind that some of these matchmakers know me as well as they know the back of their heads. So what it amounts to, more or less, is a blind date. Sometimes I know a little about the girl, sometimes not. But we're definitely starting from scratch.

So I go along, initiate some non-threatening shared activity like a concert, or some church function, and we begin some dialogue. Admittedly, I'm skeptical of such beginnings. "What are the chances of this being something worthwhile?" I ask myself. Nevertheless, I go along, in part out of dutiful trust in my friends, and part because I believe cliches like:

"What have I got to lose?"
"You never know."
"This will be good for you."

But invariably I come home to my bachelor roomates and have this exchange:

Bachelor #1: "so how was it?"
Bachelor #2: "uhh...it was ok."
Bachelor #1: "what did you think of her?"
Bachelor #2: "she's cool, i guess. seems like a nice girl."
Bachelor #1: "is she hot?"
Bachelor #2: "she's pretty cute, i guess."
Bachelor #1: "think you'll go out with her again?"
Bachelor #2: "uhh..i don't know."

There's nothing wrong with the girls. They're not shrill or grotesque or unsavory. But the question that must be answered is: after one or two dates, if I'm not real excited about seeing her again, what do I need to do? Do I need to explain to her that I don't see the paths aligning? Do I just quietly fade from view? Make up some story that my aunt in Estonia is ill and that I'll be gone for a while?

The honest answer seems like too much information. If we have no shared life, no shared community or special interests, no raging animal attraction, spending time together feels like a colossal waste of time, like a day-long interview with a company you'd never work for. So the facts, ma'am, are such:

-you live too far away and have your own life and we won't see each other without making special effort.
-i can't see any defining, strategic reason for us to hang out. i can't help you get into nursing school and you can't help me become a better musician.
-i'm just not that attracted to you. not enough to make me irrationally forget other reasons not to hang out with you.

On the one hand, I feel I owe her an honest explanation. On the other, why break up if you were never together? Maybe I can employ some christian cop-outs like, "I just don't feel the Lord's leading" and such. I guess it's tough to create a relationship in a vacuum, and friendship is critical to the long-term health of the relationship. And as C.S Lewis observed, friendship is about a something else, a shared love or appreciation of something beyond ourselves.

Posted by aokie at September 30, 2003 12:00 PM