There are times when life seems to be a blur. Not that I'm so busy, but I'm so occupied with things that I don't notice that life is happening. Like this past month. What have I been doing? I can't really account for all that time passed, but I do find that I lack any real feeling of accomplishment. What do I have to show for my presence on this earth? I've acquired a few more dollars, gave some advice, and shuffled some papers. Inspiring, isn't it?
Yet, my 28th birthday approaches, and will hurl me into what is certainly my late 20's. (27 is still arguable) And so the desire to outline my 'stamp' on this world grows. What mark have I left? What is my legacy? How is the universe different with my having been here? Am I making waves in the cosmic pond? If so, what kind are they?
I don't know that I can really identify any significant effect most of the time. Nothing that really justifies the brief blip my life becomes on the cosmic radar. That's not to say that there is absolutely no purpose; I might pull a pregnant woman from a burning car tonight on the way home. And I really believe that life is no accident, that there is a benevolent Being who in some way watches us and cares for us and even--this is harder to grasp--guides or orchestrates (?)our steps. But for better or for worse, I believe this in the back of my head, not with my hands and feet.
Sometimes I think that having kids would lend my life some meaning because there's another being who needs me, really needs me in the most tangible sense of the word. And it's true that I have no dependents (infantile or otherwise). But I do find that being liked, contrary to popular belief, does not really carry one very far in terms of existential fulfillment. It's fun for a while to try to charm your way up the social ladder, but then you look around and see that your ladder is not leaning against anything.
I suppose the real problem is that I don't know how to evaluate, in a theological/metaphysical sense, what gives life worth. Actually, I probably do. But it's hard to remember and harder to live there. Knowing God and enjoying Him are such esoteric ideas. Is it found in relationships? In shaping public opinion in some way? Is it in bettering the plight of the disadvantaged? Or is it in making beautiful sounds with instruments?
Creed probably has the greatest earnings-to-talent ratio of any band since Poison, but the question "what's this life for?" is a biggie, and well worth asking. Still, I'm a little tired of asking and am ready to move on to the answering part.
Posted by aokie at November 20, 2003 07:16 PMI am leaning more toward the mystical, existential relationship with God as an important and overlooked part of the answer. Not that I have experienced this in a very deep way, but I am trying.
otherwise, I am constantly despairing, because I cannot live up to my goals for life, or to what I imagine are God's goals for my life.
I'm thinking of something along the lines of brother lawrence, if you know what I mean.
Posted by: tom at January 3, 2004 09:21 AM