Noli Me Tangere

The Legend of Lt. Col. Laawk Doike Shee

Way back when I was a student at Northside High School in Warner Robins, GA I had a friend named Perry who had recently transferred from another high school. He regaled us with his stories about the characters at his old school, including a loquacious special needs student who was either mentally handicapped or had a serious speech impediment.

Now this was around the time the Clarence Thomas hearings were going on and Anita Hill, if you recall, had accused him of sexual harassment, including that he had referred to himself as "Long Dong Silver". For reasons unknown, the aforementioned special ed student was pretty enthralled with this whole saga, and was often heard talking about "Long Dong Silver". Except that his pronunciation was such that it came out, "Laawk Doike Shee", or at least that's how Perry described it to us, and how it came to be spelled among my circle of friends.

As you might imagine, words like "Laawk", "Doike", and "Shee" have great appeal, and unsurprisingly became a very popular in-joke with my friends and me. We used it as a greeting ("Doike!"), as an exclamation ("Oh, Laawk!"), and as a sort of multi-purpose linguistic catch-all: ("Take a laawk at the next light, then an immediate doike.") Try saying "Laawk Doike Shee" out loud without smiling. Even better, try saying it to your boss. It's a phrase like "supercalifragilistic..." in that it transcends cultures and has the power to right wrongs and brighten horizons upon utterance.

We even invented a character named Lt. Col. Laawk Doike Shee, though his adventures were confined mostly to late night conversations within a small circle of friends who shared a real love for all things Laawk. Until the day Laawk ran for President of the Sr. Class.

I happened to be campaigning myself, so I came to school early one day to hang up signs, when lo and behold, Lt. Col. Laawk Doike Shee had beat me to the punch. There on the wall was a sign that said "Lt. Col. Lawwk Doike Shee for Sr. Class President". I was surprised, but to my chagrin I discoved that the whole school (and the vocational/ROTC hall in particular) was littered with campaign posters for the Colonel.

Anyway, he didn't end up winning the election, but he did put a stamp on that school. Everybody was talking about this Laawk character and was he real and did he have a chance to win. Walking down the hall, I'd overhear conversations like, "Have you met this Colonel Lock guy? I heard he's taking Holly Watson to the prom." Later in life, I received some mail addressed to the Colonel. But I never did find out who was running his campaign.

And that's the legend of Lt. Col. Laawk Doike Shee.