Noli Me Tangere

2003 Holiday Beard-Off

Okie Defeats Blatnik in Battle of the Beards

STONE MOUNTAIN - (AP) Experience trumped youth, as Abe "Grizzly" Okie came away with a narrow victory today over Fred "ChiaFace" Blatnik in the 2003 JP Holiday Beard-Off. It was the first championship for Okie, but it came harder than anyone expected.

"I just wanted to come out and give 110%," said Blatnik after the judging, obviously relieved to put the contest behind him. "I can't worry about the judges' decision."

Early polls indicated that Okie would win in a landslide, but several judges gave Blatnik surprisingly high marks for his grooming. While Okie swept the categories of Length and Thickness as expected, Blatnik was unanimously given victories in Total Hair Above Neck and Beard Smell, which was a new category this year.

Okie could offer no explanation for his failure in the Smell department. "It's funny because I actually have bathed more recently than Fred," he offered with a shrug.

Nevertheless, the deciding category turned out to be Beard Shape, with two judges awarding the category to Okie and one going with Blatnik. Maki Kobayashi, the dissenting judge, refused comment after the contest and neither team filed an appeal, so it appears the results will stand.

This year there were no drug or doping scandals, a welcome change from last year when Yutaka Okubo was awarded the title, only to have it stripped when he tested positive for Tabasco. Though he maintained his innocence, his claim was hurt by testimony that he was seen guzzling Tabasco sauce the night before the competition.

In addition to taking home the Bin Laden trophy, the winner of the contest stands to rake in millions in endorsements. While Blatnik vowed to return next year with a bigger beard, Okie left the press conference with the smile of a man about to become a lot richer.

Posted by aokie at April 6, 2004 06:13 PM