Noli Me Tangere

Something about Mary

Wednesday night found me at the Atlanta Botanical Gardens for "Cocktails in the Garden". I really wasn't looking forward to going, as I tend to be both intimidated and annoyed by pompous yuppie meat-market vibe that I expected to find. But I had a mission: to make contact with Mary, a well-connected 50-ish art dealer who might let me play as hired entertainment at another "Cocktails in the Garden" down the road. $12 I paid to get in, but the first drink is free according to my invitation.

"That'll be $7."
"I thought the first drink was free with admission."
"You have to have a ticket." The admission receipt I offered was obviously not a "ticket" in the sense that she meant. My wallet contained $7 exactly. Sorry, lady, but you get no tip.

I walked around a bit. A DJ was playing mellow dance music. There were lots of couples, all ages, and not as uppity as I had feared. Up on a deck there was a crowd of young beautiful people (like myself) all standing, cocktails in hand, mingling.

"I wonder what they are all talking about," I thought to myself. What topics inhabit the conversations of the young beautiful people? Money? Sex? Politics? I thought maybe if I walked right through the crowd I could find out.

While pondering this I spotted Mary. She was surrounded by some people who seemed to have a clear sense of her sheer winsomeness and lofty social status. I waited for my chance to say hello. Suddenly a clearing emerged, a parting of the sea of bodies that surrounded her. I took a step toward her...

Too late. A quartet of very gay-looking men swooped in like vultures. So I took a spot on the deck where I could monitor the situation. Suddenly a tall blonde jumped in front of me.

"That slide's a lot of fun! But you have to watch out for the purses and the grouchy ladies at the bottom."
"Oh really?"
"You should try it. It's fun."
"Okay."

So I went down the slide and she was right. It was fun. She came down after me just in case I doubted that she was a fun-loving girl. We pretended to be witty for a few more minutes. She was fairly flirtatious until I explained that I wanted to go into church music. But just to be polite, we exchanged numbers before she was drug off by her girlfriends. Her name was Mary.

Speaking of Marys, the important one seemed to be getting ready to go. I positioned myself so that she'd have to walk past me on her way down the steps.

"Mary? I'm Abe, Przemek's friend."
"Oh Hi, Abe. Gladyoucould make iiiit. Whadoyou thiiiiink?"
"It's a good party. Listen, do you--"
"We'regoingforawalkinthegardenwannacome?"

And with that she was off, Gay Quartet in tow. I decided to follow, in hopes we could talk about the gig.

"How do you know Mary?" asked gay man #1.
"Um, I met her at an art show last week."
"Mary's great, isn't she? She's SOO fun. I met her at a committment ceremony last weekend."

I tried to say a couple things to Mary but they didn't seem to be the right things. Also, she was intoxicated. At one point we stopped under the veranda and Mary made a very deliberate effort to stand with her back to me, facing the Gay Quartet and effectively cutting me out of the conversation. It's not clear why the Quartet was so much more interesting than me, but I'm no dummy and it was suddenly clear that this was my cue. I quietly disappeared into the crowd streaming toward the exit, and headed to my car, which would broadcast good music to my ears and propel me to any of the fast-food establishments I'd pass on the way home.

And that's the first episode of "Queer Eye for the Socialite".