I am a card-carrying non-confrontationalist. I have an irrational fear of the confront. I remembered this Sunday morning when I was confronted by somebody. Or at least I thought she was confronting me, so for all emotional purposes, I was being confronted. This was unpleasant. It's always a test of your restraint and security when someone who knows you makes an awkwardly conscious effort to raise the issue of how you might have failed. It made me angry, and like the good christian I am I fumed right through Sunday morning worship.
Later that day I would find myself confronting someone else. Perhaps it was less than full confrontation; it was merely asking difficult questions but it was hard nonetheless. I used qualifiers like, "I'm not mad or anything..." to make it clear that I, personally, was not confrontational. "It's important that you see that I'm still likable, despite what I may have just said to you," would have been more accurate.
There are other friends I have that I need to confront but am putting it off. (Whether it’s because I hate confrontation or love procrastination is hard to say.) They seem to have pattern problems and unspoken sins that need finding, to be brought out into the antiseptic open air. It would be nice if we could all recognize and right these things on our own, but we usually can’t. Confrontation, depending on the depth of it, will be proportionately wrenching. But the rewards can be immense.
Part of the reason I don’t handle it well is that I don’t experience it often. My modus operandi is to avoid negative attention, unease, and any situation that might be remotely unpleasant. So, if I do have problems or sin patterns that are making a mess around me, I do my best to tidy the most visible surfaces of my persona, so as to avoid any nasty public showdowns.
But, as I am learning, avoiding confrontation only serves to aid a persistent paranoia that, in fact, you should be confronted. That there is something wrong, but you just can't see it. C.S. Lewis said that everybody possesses a fatal flaw or blind spot. And frankly, if you always avoid difficult interaction, you begin to look over your shoulder and wonder, "what's wrong, that I can't see, that others are afraid to mention?"
I tried to write a song once satirizing the self-assured pro athlete who, despite his egregious public failings, defends himself with, "I can't pay attention to the haters tryin' to bring me down." This is nonsense, and the child who doesn't learn to accept constructive criticism is destined to be followed into adulthood by a crippling monster blind spot.
And I don't want this. Though I am often afraid to say it, I need those that love me to open my eyes to the fatal flaw. Otherwise, I'm walking around like a man with a black widow on the back of my neck, and nobody to help me brush it off. And if you loved me, you would.
I understand your point(s), but I still think that confrontation is not always the best or right action. I suppose there are different types of confrontation, but the one I want to take issue with is the confrontation of a sinner concerning his or her sin. This type of confrontation, I think, should only follow a lot of prayer for the person and prayer for discernment for yourself about when and how are the best ways to confront the person and whether you are even the right person to do the confronting. Which is to say, there seems to be a certain amount of delay necessary so that you're not acting like (looking like?) a heartless jerk. I have seen (from both sides) times and situations and people for whom confrontation can cause more detriment than assistance. So, I don't think we should go around advocating complete and utter, willy-nilly confrontation. In other words, the opposite problem – the haphazard confrontationalist’s problem of confronting too easily – seems a more egregious error to me, although admittedly it’s a rare problem these days.
I’m also willing to consent, though, to the possibility that if we were all confronted more frequently and consistently, it would feel like less of a big deal. I think half of the problem with being confronted is the usual delay of it and the idea that the person has been thinking about the whole thing (and how much I suck) for a long time without saying anything, when they could have allowed me the opportunity a long time ago to “fix” things, saving me some of the embarrassment… Unfortunately, people who can pull off the easy, nonchalant, non-judgmental confrontation are few. I’m blessed to have one of these people as my best friend.
Sounds like I want it both ways, eh? Well. I do.
I also think you proved your point by how much paranoia you roused in your friends (or at least in me), by saying that you have some friends you need to confront. Immediately, I'm sure, we all start thinking of what we should be confronted about... Good work.
erin, your comment is longer and more insightful than my blog. in these parts, this is considered confrontational.
actually i hear what you are saying. i don't recommend reckless confrontation of acquaintances as much as i wish it were easier and more common among people who do know & love each other. to avoid it is less than ideal because a) your blind spot grows and b) they appear to love you for who you make yourself out to be, not who you really are. and it's a cycle:
if we weren't so afraid of it, it would do it more often, and if we did it more often, we wouldn't be so afraid.
trust and healthy confrontation go hand in hand, i think. in some way, they feed each other. when close friends confront me, i trust them and their motives. in turn, their willingness to wade through a mess in order to confront me only makes me trust them and respect their judgment more. when trust has been present, i've found that confrontation is natural and simple and it happens a lot, without being some major crisis.
but if mutual trust is absent, the whole scenario is a mess. i haven't figured out what the right course of action is when you know confrontation may be necessary, but you also know that the person doesn't trust you. i don't know how to fix that.
Posted by: amy at August 12, 2004 12:09 PM