The last time I had blogger's block this bad, it was only cured by a visit to the City of Atlanta Water and Sewer Department. To this day, there is a $900 discrepancy between their charges and our payments. Today, I've got a 3pm "hearing" before the Appeals Board. I have no idea what this will entail, but since I'll be representing myself (and "the People") I've been brushing up on legal protocol. Here's what I got so far:
1) "Your Honor, if I may..." is a good way to begin every sentence.
2) Be sure to wear glasses. That way, when you go to make your final argument, you can take them off and hold them in one hand, giving the appearance of thoughtfulness and sincerity.
3) Rhetorical questions should be prefaced with the phrase, "Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you..."
4) It is generally unacceptable to inform anyone on the court that they "can't handle the truth".
Anybody got anything else for me?
Try this . . .
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm just a caveman. I fell on some ice and later got thawed out by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW.. and run off into the hills, or wherever.. Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine, I wonder: "Did little demons get inside and type it?" I don't know! My primitive mind can't grasp these concepts. But there is one thing I do know - when a man like my client slips and falls on a sidewalk in front of a public library, then he is entitled to no less than two million in compensatory damages, and two million in punitive damages. Thank you."
Along with wearing glasses, be sure to wear pants.
Also say out loud, "What would Matlock do if he were here?"
Posted by: Craig at October 25, 2005 05:08 PMI think if you get in front of the judge and you don't know what to say, you should go limp and pretend to fall, because hey, free dummies.
Posted by: Phil at October 26, 2005 07:16 AMIf the judge asks you a lot of hard questions, I think a good thing to say is, "no speaka english."
Posted by: Chris at October 27, 2005 12:17 AM