Noli Me Tangere

on family

When courting a young lady, it is difficult to account for the power her family holds over you. This power is a two-headed beast: not only must you demonstrate your worth to her as a potential mate, but you also need to make an above-average impression on her family (see Focker, Greg), and remain in good graces with anyone who might one day become an in-law.

Which is why I paid attention when my friend (and potential brother-in-law) Jostling Innocence called me on the eve of New Year's eve, sounding distracted and out-of-breath. His younger brother, visiting for the holidays and car-less, had fallen quite ill and needed someone to deliver him to a 24-hr medical facility. I smelled an opportunity to score some points.

"Since you're almost like part of the family, do you think you can find someplace to take him?"

It wasn't particularly convenient for me, but it was clear a challenge had been issued: since you're almost like part of the family. What the heck does that mean? How could I refuse? And also, how many points are we talking about?

And so it was that a few hours later, Bouncing Innocence and I found ourselves in a seedy midtown emergency waiting room with the afflicted sibling, whom I have no choice but to call "Sick Innocence". This was a waiting room of the purest sort, where you can really do nothing but waaaaaaiiit. Larry King Live featuring the winners/tabloid couple of The Biggest Loser aired several times during our wait, and by morning we almost had it memorized, especially the awkward part where she learns on-air that their relationship is not as exclusive as she thought.

This being an urban waiting room, many of the "customers" seemed to be in no hurry to see a doctor. In fact, some seemed to be doing nothing more but adding new drool stains to the upholstery, and they were remarkably resourceful in finding ways to fit their entire bodies into the small, uncomfortable chairs. But people were mostly nice, except for the little kid who held me hostage by pretend gun and kept barking orders at me.

Around 4am, I began to feel the urge to relieve myself, and decided not to deny myself the pleasure, since there was no telling how much longer we'd be there. As I walked into the bathroom, I glanced into the mirror and jumped when I noticed a body on the floor in the last stall. It was a black male, disheveled but motionless. He was lying across the stall floor, so that his feet were up against the wall and his head behind the toilet of the next stall. I fully expected there to be a puddle of fresh blood under his head.

"Are you okay?"

The body remained motionless. But it did make a sound.

"...uhnnnn. uhhhhnnn jus restin...mmmmmmmmhhhhh..."

"uh...ok. resting is ok. just checking."

There were two stalls in this bathroom: the one he was in, and the one his head was in. I pondered how to best proceed. Certainly it would be considered poor taste to poop next to someone's head. On the other hand, you can only negotiate with the Call of Nature so long, so I may not have an option. Not to mention, my stall buddy didn't seem to be terribly aware of his surroundings. So with that thought, I took a deep, apologetic breath, undid my pants and sat down.

The man still didn't move or open his eyes, though his face was 12 inches below my bare right buttock. He never moved, but I was in the middle of taking care of business when he finally made a sound.

"[unintelligible]...mmhowsyer famihly..."

"uh, my family is good. how's yours?"

"mmhhmnnmm...deyaight...[unintelligible] "

"oh that's good."

After a few more moments of awkward silence punctuated by bathroom noises, I cleaned up, got up and wished him happy new year. And as I walked back down the hall, I couldn't help but think that this should be worth at least 150 points.

Posted by aokie at January 7, 2006 12:00 AM